I Stole from Liberace, Tias Little and My Pink Chinchilla. You Can Too.

Matt Damon kissing Michael Douglas in 'Behind the Candelabra'. Yer welcome. via out.com

Matt Damon kissing Michael Douglas in ‘Behind the Candelabra’. Yer welcome. via out.com

Sunday night promises glamour.

I will watch the Liberace movie and later, practice Yin yoga in the living room with my daughter. We’ll use her stuffed pink chinchilla and Totoro as bolsters. We ball on a budget.

I’m taking Tias Little’s advice. He wrote this bomb article, which I found on elephant journal, that is full of right thought. His words soak my heart and brain with curiosity. What happens next?

Here are a few golden eggs from T.L.

Practice ahimsa (non-violence) within the practice of tapas (intense practice). . . Avoid excessive tapas, what I like to call “stupid tapas.”

I get ‘stupid tapas’ when the yoga teacher calls out, “Ten Urdhva Dhanurasanas- Go.” As a competitive person, I want to meet the challenge because I can. I have an occasionally crusty wrist though. Ten breaths in one wheel is enough. If you are me.

You can sustain a vigorous practice and feel no pain. That’s precisely where right action comes in. Make the right action for your body as you move. Choose kindly. Challenge yourself compassionately.

Avoid practicing too long and too hard. This steals from the spirit.

We must learn to practice in a way that fosters healing. Pile on strength. Exhale and open your chest. All full court press all the time may attract injury. You ain’t got time for that.

Of course, there are days when you should absolutely make out with someone you love instead of going to yoga. Right? Action.

Always keep the practice fresh, alive and interesting. The practice should be full of experimentation, discovery and surprise.

I circle back to take class with my favorite teachers every week. Ritual and tradition are the most strongly tethered tenets of yoga.

Luckily, those teachers are continually unpredictable. They study, travel and bring back a treasure trove of modifications, new modalities and ripe wisdom.

This is why we take yoga field trips to different studios and different teachers so often. It’s like breakfast. You don’t want to eat the same cotdang steak and eggs every day. Sometimes you need a three onion and gouda frittata with a side of potato pancakes up in your grill.

Be nourished.

Namo namah.

Published in: on November 17, 2013 at 10:01 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Bathe In This Song All Night Long

Tuesday, October 29

Right this second:

I’ve had this track on repeat for six moon salutations, half a banana and two fire log poses.

The train goes by. It shakes the crumbs on my plate.

Gold lilies we bought two weeks ago are perfectly fat and intact in a too-small vase on the kitchen counter. I can’t get over it.

My heart breaks a little because I think my father would have loved that song. He’ll never get to hear it. He would have thrown the doors of his house open, cranked the volume too loud and pissed the neighbors off.

My Dad disappeared on a detox mission once. He resurfaced thinner and blonder. He cooked an elaborate meal for me and my best friend, chain-smoking in the kitchen, talking to his dog in perfect German.

He quizzed us on Alice Cooper songs and said we ought to watch Death Wish 4 followed by Under Siege, starring Steven Seagal. We talked him into The Lost Boys instead.

everystevenseagalmovie.com

everystevenseagalmovie.com

As if that weren’t enough:

Panda to Steven Seagal: "GTFO."

Panda to Steven Seagal: “GTFO.”

The next day, he bribed me and her to drive to his favorite restaurant in Green Bay to bring him back gnocchi. When we got back to his place, he served us homemade apple pie and Tab sodas. That was the last time I saw him healthy, with steady hands.

The loss still chokes me. Now that he’s twelve years gone, I think of him as if he were a child all along. I remember him most often just when the trees go bare. This is the time of year when he was most lost.

You’d never meet a nicer guy. He could figure out what you loved most and get you to talk about it. You get disoriented by the sheer size of a personality like his.

We all have our vices. It’s no secret that empathy doesn’t come easy. Shared experience is what tells us to soothe a crying child or to laugh at a joke.

I know that the person next to me in the grocery store checkout line has as much to mourn and as much to celebrate as I do.

A quiet life surrounds me. My family is close. I have plenty, and I get to teach yoga tonight. The room will be dark. People will open the door for each other, and step on to a warm floor.

How does it begin?

“This is a one hour yoga class.” Friendships forge. Courage rears its head in every corner.

We all go home softer, tougher and a little more truthful than before. We try and try, anyhow. Shaky hands or not.

Published in: on October 31, 2013 at 5:17 pm  Comments (2)  
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How to Avoid Yoga Tapout | Muscle Failure and Macarons

image: limecrime.tumblr.com

image: limecrime.tumblr.com

Before I taught yoga, I was a mediocre pastry chef at Sundance.

Tapas means ‘to cook’, ‘to burn’. In yoga philosophy, we usually talk about tapas in terms of discipline. We need that fire to remain (or become) pliable and motivated, but nobody wants to be the overcooked egg.

If you don’t get a chance to move all day, you may need your yoga practice to be vigorous. Go get ‘em.

Do you prefer a peaceful asana practice? No desire to make your yoga a ‘workout’?  Hike, bike and climb sh!t to get your cardio fix and then your mat time stays restorative. Give yourself permission to be omnivorous about it.  Yeah, AC/DC. Go both ways. You can have Yin and Vinyasa. Go full-court press one day, and meditate the next.

Acknowledge that yoga can do neat things for your waist to hip ratio, but don’t enslave yourself to it. If you do, you may push your bones too hard and attract injury. Keep some peace in each posture and your practice will be sustainable.

For example, if you feel a sharp wrist pain during chaturanga, modify or skip it until the hurt subsides. Ask your instructor to check your alignment. They’ll help you find solutions. Yoga teachers love to troubleshoot.

Make time to roar. Keep your macha /macho. . Rattle the lion’s cage once a day or you’ll never leave your velvet cushion.

Baking is manual labor. So is asana. If your practice takes you to muscle failure, treat it more like macaron batter.

You know, yogi.

Beat until soft peaks form. Soft peaks. Fold in more sugar. Pipe it into shapes.  Your pastry, your body, both need nurturing.

Got bubbles? Bang against a hard surface until they release. Like you would with your yoga, be firm, yet gentle.

Wait for a smooth surface to form.

The process might take longer than you want it to. That’s yoga. That’s macarons. Let ‘em sit for an hour. Patience is strength.

Heat them up. Heat them up good. Your oven (your constitution) might run warmer or cooler than your neighbor’s. Practice. Experiment.

Allow time to cool before you get fancy ideas about jam and nut spreads. That jazz.

Your poses, your sweets- make those sons of b!tches in different colors. Be dough. Roll around on the floor until it feels right.

Whether you end up with yoga or cookies, people gon’ be happy to see you.

Published in: on October 28, 2013 at 6:55 pm  Comments (4)  
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Dj Plays Massive Attack’s ‘Teardrop’ Through Vegetable Frequencies

Brooklyn Dj,  j.viewz,  attaches wires to fruits and vegetables and recreates Massive Attack’s Teardrop through their frequencies. 

See and hear the setup or skip to 2:22, where it gets real.

Published in: on March 24, 2013 at 10:10 pm  Comments (2)  
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Yoga Pants Are Not Pants? What the Actual F**k.

(This article was published on YOGANONYMOUS, 2/27/13.)

hesgotanarmoffdottumblrdotcom

Confession: I’ve been sans pants for the better part of a year.

That hair-splitting minx, Miss Popular Culture has decided that yoga pants are not legitimate pants.

Blissful with ignorance, I have schlepped from studio to coffee haus to home in ain’tpants, fauxpants and nopants.

If you’ve got beef with yoga pants, you’ve got beef with yogis. You can clutch your pearls and give us the side-eye all you want. We’ve got our thighs on the prize and will cling to these almostpants until our last ujjayi breath.

Not familiar with the war on britches? Here’s what doodes on the worldwide web preach about questionable bottoms:

“Don’t be a slut.”  Don’t be a jerkstore.

“Leggings wearers sh!t me to tears.”  Okay, that one is funny. I luh me some hyperbole.

“Become a fan if you HATE when ppl wear leggings as pants.” Exuberant as this invitation is, all caps are also not pants.

“So i was in class today and this girl walked in with brown leggings, as pants of course, and i could see her thick-seamed, white panties with pink polka dots through them.” This kind of inspection reveals that you’re a pervertosaurus and your mom should smack your punk ass.

Does it disturb you that there are creepers out there who might sneak up on your innocent hindquarters and put the invasive results up for comment in public? It should.

I pity the fool who would try to slink into my blind spot for a photo opportunity. Yogis are strong-legged. But, ahimsa (do not harm), forevah.

People who think yoga pants are not real pants are the same people who think expresso is espresso. There is no ‘x’ in the Italian alphabet and there are no real pants in my closet.

Let’s put a fine point on it; I’m a yoga teacher, so if yoga pants aren’t pants, I only make money when I’m pantsless. Everything seems to be in order here.

Over yonder, at lululemon, customers have coined their own acronyms to cover their asses. VPL= visible panty line, DDC= down dog check.

Opacity is key for us yoga bunnies. We’ve got this down. No need for unsolicited opinions in our pantaloons. Women do not have to take this ish.

Does it offend your sensibilities when leggings masquerade as pants? Like my girl Stevie Nicks said,“You can go your own way.”

There’s a threadbare line between fashion policing and slut-shaming. Is there an outcry over men who wear Zubaz (and Speedos) to vinyasa flow? Nyet. There shouldn’t be. If some gentle soul shows up to my yoga class in Zubaz, I will salute them. To wear Zubaz is to have courage.

Yogis tend to cherish comfort over formality, on and off the mat. We’re too busy practicing astavakrasana (all eight angles of it, motherhugger) in our leggings that do not qualify as pants to iron slacks.

The fact that Ganesh, Allah, the Blessed Virgin Mary, Mother Earth and Almighty Gawd gave us these yoga pants is proof that they want us to be comfortable. We must enjoy this bounty and coexist in bum-cuppin’ coziness and harmony.

Go ahead honey, declare yourself Huntress of Nearlypants. Own them.

Sure as the moon waxes gibbous, I’ll be over here, rolling with my omies, sportingnopantsarethebestpants.

ps: Liza Minnelli rocks nothing but hardlypants and she’s a goddamn legend. ermahgerdlurza

Bottom photo: officiallizaminnelli.com

Published in: on March 21, 2013 at 4:47 pm  Comments (4)  
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A Beer With Sadie Nardini

SadieMex

“Sometimes, you just gotta drink some Mezcal, puff on a Cuban cigar, and shave your head.” ~Sadie Nardini

Lady Sadie, last Monday, taught a workshop at my home studio, Inner Fire Yoga.

She strolled in through the speakeasy door with her Texan teaching partner, Tyler Mccoy. He walks on fire in his spare time and introduced Sadie to her favorite guilty pleasure jam, ‘Enter the Ninja.’

I planned to give you, yoga scholar, a review of their class. However, halfway through the evening, Tyler gave me a gentle neck traction assist in a forward fold that tingled my brain. I wasn’t tryna be won over.

What’s more, in savasana, Sadie rocked my metacarpals (palm bones) and massaged my fingers in a way that would make Edward Scissorhands weep with jealousy.

Every yogi in the room received attention. How’s a woman to be objective in that situation? I melted.

Surely the founder of Core Strength Vinyasa will force me do crunches and pant for mercy, I thought. Mais, non. She and Tyler led us yogis through a pure, sensual vinyasa and urged us to move like seaweed.

We cut through the steam with fists of fire and kriyas: vocal bursts paired with movement. Kind of like, “Hi-yah!” Satisfaction. It felt freaky.

Here’s what went down when Sadie sat down for a beer with YOGANONYMOUS.

Hally Marlino: You’re from Iowa. Are there any core Midwestern values that help you build muscle and flourish in the yoga world?

Sadie Nardini: Absolutely. Being from the Midwest, we’re from the ground up, street level. We want clarity, no bullshit. We’re earthy, and if we have magic, that’s fine too, but I want to be here, standing present with you. Don’t go up in the esoteric atmosphere with me. Where I’m from, the earth is black. It’s foundational and spacious. I’m an Iowa girl. I say what I mean. I carry a rootedness with me that’s all Midwest.

HM: There’s buzz about your new ‘do in the yogasphere. Last year, you were an urban milkmaid with the bangs and tendrils. Now I see a steampunk ballerina; skater hair, metal necklace, puffy sleeves. You changed in a hot minute. Is there a story behind the transformation?

SN: Tyler and I were in Mexico together, and I saw someone wearing this hair. I said, “That’s my hair and I need it back.” We rode our bikes to the grocery store and bought clippers. Then we went to the cabana, drank *mezcal, smoked a Cuban cigar and shaved my head. We’re the real world yoga couple, if you will. Being in the world and also not of it. The only way to roll.

HM: How can a yoga teacher get some respect? Can we buck the new age stereotype, earn a solid income and run a legitimate business? At what point will friends and family forget to ask us if we have a day job?

SNI have my own LLC that’s worth half a million dollars a year. I respect myself. To fellow yoga teachers, I’d say, we are kind of gypsies by nature and I don’t expect the corporate world to understand that. There’s always a way to get what you want. I run a similar business model to someone in a three piece suit. I didn’t start out with money or huge resources. I didn’t start out with fifty students in a class, I started with two. I want to share and help students grow. Yeah, I was on my own for awhile, but there have been angels who showed up along way to help me. So, have the courage to get out of your own way. Don’t give a sh!t what other people think. Create your own life.

*Note: Today I learned that mezcal (agave liquor) is not the same as mescaline (a psychedelic substance).

(This article was published on YOGANONYMOUS, 3/11/23.)

Published in: on March 11, 2013 at 7:33 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Hullo, tiny octopus.

 

 

oviolentocto

Eight-limbed yoga, baby.” ~Darlene Vander Hoop

 

 

 

 

 

Published in: on February 20, 2013 at 1:45 pm  Comments (1)  
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Make Your Own Bootleg Potpourri

bloodorange

Before tying on your sexy Yes, Chef apron to bake up a storm, check the dates on your spices. If you find some that are expired, don’t despair. You can use them to make homemade potpourri. Forget the commercial bagged stuff spiked with faux scents and yellow number five. Follow the recipe below for a soft and inviting wintry mix that’s sure to please your Jack Frost-bitten nose. Bubble it up on your stove while you fix a mug of cocoa for your sweetheart. Your crib will smell like fresh hot cross buns.

In the interest of health, I’d like to add that pumpkin-spice flavor and apple-cinnamon flavor are not actual fruits. Do not be fooled by slick packaging and promises of festive contentment.

Spicy Bootleg Potpourri 

2 cups water

1 T. whole cloves

3 cinnamon sticks

1 whole nutmeg or 1 t. ground nutmeg

1/4 cup orange peels, finely sliced and dried

Simmer all ingredients in a medium pan. Add additional water and spices when needed. Behold, the marvelous aroma. Set range to low or remove from heat.

If you’d like to reuse the mixture of holiday aroma surprise, cool it, jar it and refrigerate. Reheat as often as you like for up to two weeks.

Prepare for the smellgoods, you smart cookie, you.

If you have a stuffy nose, but your ears are in proper working order, you may enjoy my latest article on YOGANONYMOUS: Hot Buttered Mixtape from Your Kapha Yoga Teacher

Published in: on December 10, 2012 at 6:48 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Don’t Talk About the Change, Be About the Change and Other Non-Menopausal Holiday Sparkles

You are North.

Hear Bruce Springsteen sing, “In My Hometown.” Y’know, hear it in your mind.

The Boss didn’t pluck that tune out when he played Madison one hot minute before our hero Barack Obama won re-election. It just stuck in my head driving three hours northeast to, you guessed it, my hometown. It’s on the icy edge of Lake Michigan, about an hour past the city of Green Bay.

Imagine a cold wonder of a place where you may buy beer until 2 a.m. I know that’s enough to entice you to say yah to da U.P., eh, but there’s more. It’s a museum of natural mystery.

My family of four stayed with our Aunt Gee. Her house meets your nose like baby powder, cedar and Dove Soap. It smells just like my Grandma’s (rest her soul) makeup drawer. I love the aroma. Le husband says, “There are cats everywhere and you’re afraid to step on them, but you don’t know which ones are real.” The top floor of her home is filled with guest bedrooms and exotic plants, if you know what I mean. I’m talking flowering banana trees.

La pièce de résistance

We drove across town, to pick up Aunt Dee for yoga. She showed us a five pound mincemeat pie, boozy and fragrant with bacon. Be still my vegan heart. Well, not really. I’m the most half-assed vegetarian on the block, especially when it comes to family recipes. After a spoonful of pie, I washed my hands and she handed me the most cushy towel I’ve ever known. I buy the ones that are a couple dollars and scratchy.

As a hen trio, we gave yoga a run for its money and headed to the homestead for Uno with the dudes. We shared Fatty Boombalatty Belgian pints and the loudest wisecracks on the block. A baker’s dozen of Mickey-Lu cheeseburgers were sacrificed that night in the name of buying local. No dilemma for this omnivore. I’ll return to the plant-based fold just in time for x-mas.

Uncle Fred likes his soda cold.

My son and I stole away for a midnight cruise in our slippers. You can go to the grocery store in my hometown bun-headed & slipper-shod and no one will judge you. Madison is cool like that too. I don’t want to live anywhere with a stiffer dress code. In keeping with festive tradition, there were cops parked on every corner. Not a soul on foot. I wager the municipality made little money on traffic tickets that night.

We watched The Walking Dead and turned in. The lighting of the prison on that show reminds me of my old Catholic church. I remember sitting involuntarily around the basement for catechism. I’d try my luck jousting zombies rather than spend one more Sunday in that church of  fire and brimstone.

Napkins for the recovering Catholic in your life

In my aunt’s house, the beds are are always squarely made. She fluffs the pillowcases; sharp yellow softness, feather full of every dream you left since last time. Lay your head down, it all comes back to you.

No one talked about bullsh!t mindfulness, said we should write gratitude haikus, or told me to set an intention. But I kinda wished there were an espresso drive-through within, oh a hundred miles. Surely I’m going straight to hell for that.

People stick voodoo positivity pins in the social mediasphere all day long. See “If you want to feel rich, just count all the gifts you have that money can’t buy.” That’s downright whimsical, but I’d rather get a raise. Mama’s got bills to pay, kids to keep warm and the corner store only accepts real greenbacks for gasoline. The warm-fuzzy feelings usually come after basic needs are met. Not trying to be a Scrooge.

I have a face-friend who slaps Einstein, Marianne Williamson and Gandhi quotes on the newsfeed every morning. Rarely, she puts quotation marks around them, and she never credits the original source of the quote. Yeah, I’m sure she came up with, There was a star riding through clouds one night, & I said to the star, ‘Consume me.’  No. That was Virginia Woolf.

The staggering amount of white people posting stuff they’re thankful for is what gets me. Can we take a hint from Usher (Usher, Usher, Usher, Usher)? Don’t talk about it, be about it. I know that’s more sage advice, but cowboy, if it ain’t broke…

I want someone to explain how to live up to the meme. So your mantra is, “Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.” I like it. It’s got cheap feel-good appeal. Still, please stop. Who are you speaking for? Yourself? Someone in need? That’s what I want to know. Spare me the McQuotes. Or at least put a creepy photo behind the text. I like creepy  photos. Pretty ones are so easy to come by.

What Dafoe did I just make? A misquoted meme.

For fun, you can upload any photo to picmonkey.com, meme-ify to your heart’s desire, save and share it, all for free. No registration required, unlike the also popular quickmeme.com and memegenerator.net.

Who cut the cheese between Oms? Probably someone who posts word-pukelets on Facebook like, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Just, no. What doesn’t kill you sends you to therapy. What doesn’t kill me maims me. Didn’t Kelly Clarkson write a song about it? She also endorsed Ron Paul for president. She’s no golden font of wisdom.

Nor am I, because this one I dig:

Fourth Thursday of November, thank you for words like barley, rendered, hay mow, brethren, pastured fowl, taco dip, and ratios of a horse a piece and half butter, half potatoes.

On Sugar and Spice | Twelve Lessons My Two-Year Old Daughter Taught Me About Meditation

This article was published on YOGANONYMOUS 11/20/12.

By Hally Marlino

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Try as I might, I fail at meditation, but my golden-haired girl teaches me to find nuggets of zen in the most ordinary moments.

A trip to the grocery store is a pony ride and on the way home she feeds you sour cherries and throws mini-Luna bars at your head.

Ask her what a tiger says. Instead of “rawr”, my husband taught her to say, “Gwarrrrr.” As in GWAR, the heavy metal band that brought you hits like Womb with a ViewPenguin Attack, and Crack for the Holidays.

Life is her carnival and she’s got a bootleg wristband to unlimited midnight Ferris wheel rides. What’s not to love? In dulcet tones, this is what she has to share about enlightening life at two years old.

1. I’m gon’ be so happy. I’m so happy.  Are you happy?

Where does she find joy? Eating black olives for lunch. Showing me what the olives look like chewed up. Watching Kittens Inspired by Kittens on YouTube ten times in a row. Trying to oink, oink  just as a piglet would.

2. I want to see bubber (brother). When is he home? 

She is attached to her bro, but she patiently waits all day for him to hop off the yellow school bus and scoop her up for a kiss.

3. Do you have a surprise for me? 

One of the studios at which I teach yoga has two big bowls of sweets near the shoe cubbyholes. One full of mints and one piled high with all the candy of your wildest rainbow-colored dreams. I fell into a bad habit. I bring her a tootsie roll each time I teach there. Now she asks for her surprise every time I walk in the door. I counter and say, “I have a surprise hug for you.” She narrows her eyes at that triflin’ and says, “Do you have gum?” But she always hugs back.

4. I want Dora. Wanna watch Dora on the iPad? Do you like Dora? 

Help us.

I took French class in high school and college. Now, beginning with the most elementary numbers, colors and exclamations, I appreciate what I’ve been missing in Spanish. But why does Ms. Exploradora have to yell, “Say it with me!” every times she makes a point?

5. I am a princess. 

Daddy’s girl.

She’ll never be a hipster at this rate, copping the principessa attitude. I don’t know why she adopted this princess speak, but we’re stuck with it. At least her self-esteem is rock solid. Anything pink is a magnet to her sticky pudge hands. Between she and I, on laundry day, it looks like a giant pink zebra took a dump in front of the washing machine. La vie en rose.

6. Little by little by hook or bah crook,

I’m sucha tease and yer sucha flirt.
Once you been hurt, you been round enough.
Ah, ah, ah, ah-ah-ahhhhh.
 ~Radiohead

It’s a bouncy track but the lyrics are way dark. That’s life sometimes, eh? Guess we’d best work in some fluffy pop music for her listening pleasure, lest we ensure she has no friends in preschool. Lawd.

7. Don’t go to work. Let’s find a yoga pose. I do yoga. Are you yoga?

If it weren’t for my daughter, my home practice wouldn’t exist. We don’t have a heated cork floor here, but it’s free and she’s the best acro-yoga partner ever.

8. She speaks her own language.

You know the expression, “That’s a spicy meataballa.” She says, “How about a sushi? I like a spicy hummus. Can I have a macaroni?”

Mommy’s girl.

9. My tree (x-mas) is beautiful. Look at the beautiful lights. Noodles are green. (Needles.)

Her non-denominational rapture for the festive cancels out my natural Scrooge tendencies.

10. You don’t wanna say no. You cahhn’t say no to me. (Cahhn’t rhymes with want.) 

Mostly, she gives this to her brother when he goes into emo-gamer mode and she feels like wrassling. It’s her modus operandi when she wants the contraband Crayola markers. The bright, bold and dark ones that have poisoned the white walls of our security deposit. “You don’t wanna say no” is what scored her a bag of organic lollipops from the co-op tonight. Daddy caved. For the record, organic lollipops taste like flat Fanta goddammit.

11. Cookie Monster is azul. Can I take care of him?

The big blue guy seems a little unstable. Either she wants to steal his cookies, or she’s genuinely concerned for his health. May he soldier on and enjoy his baked goods in moderation. Me like his lazy eye.

12. Soaking in her bubble bath with a stoner face she zones out and goes silent, staring into space.

Her gaze softens and she holds her arms out wide. She says, “I am music.” To my ears. If that isn’t meditation, I don’t know what is.

Dark places in my heart are broken, but on some days I’m the strongest human in the world. I seek yoga instructors who make my muscles bigger while teaching me compassion. But oh, how I’m learning, santosha (contentment) starts at home.

What do your darlings teach you about yoga and meditation? YOGANONYMOUS wants to know.

Behold, the faux Dora the Explorer action adventure movie trailer.

Photo 1: My own, Photo 2: idreaminsugar.neliuta.com
Published in: on November 20, 2012 at 1:33 pm  Comments (3)  
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